I decided to make up a new word. Actually, I didn’t decide; it just came to me. I’ve been thinking about how anger and anxiety relate to one another, and I’m now convinced that they often are co-conspirators. For some time I have believed that anger is usually a defense to cover hurt. Being hurt creates anxiety and some of us (me included, at times) respond to that anxiety by getting angry.This seems crazy when you think about it. Why wouldn’t a hurt feeling cause a person to just say they’re hurt? Why are we so quick to protect ourselves from perceived pains—even the little ones? Don't we realize that anger actually affords no protection from the hurt? Instead, it becomes a trap of our own making and isolates us from closeness with others. Even when we don't respond to hurt with anger, our inability to express or acknowledge that hurt causes it to build up over time. The end result is the same--our intimacy with others suffers.
I recently read something on this topic and found it quite interesting. Here are two excerpts from a lengthy article on anger:
“When you get angry you don’t really allow yourself to feel your inner vulnerability and hurt. All you can think about in the moment is your desire to get revenge. In essence, your outbursts of rage paradoxically hide your inner feelings of vulnerability, so you never recognize the hurt you’re feeling that triggers your hostile reaction. All the bitterness and hostility is a big puff of smoke, an emotional fraud. It hardens your heart toward others so that you can seal off your own emotional pain.”I am intrigued by this metaphor. The image of striving to be one who flows freely around obstacles and is impervious to many hurts will stay with me for some time. Although it may appear counter-intuitive, the ability to be humble and vulnerable makes a person strong.
“There’s a great secret here that philosophers have known for ages. And it’s a secret only because it’s so obvious that no one bothers to notice it. Consider the nature of water, a weak and lowly substance that flows freely around all obstacles. If you live a life of the same “humility” as water, even the jaws of hell cannot bite into you. But the more solid you become in the pride of your own strength to avenge yourself against insult, the more those jaws have to grasp onto—and once they have you, you can’t fight free, no matter how many bandoliers you have draped over your shoulders.”
